The Restoration of an Unforgiving Heart
How Finding the Grace to Forgive Gave Me Freedom From Anger
By Carolyn Clement
“‘For I know the plans and thoughts that I have for you,’ says the Lord, ‘plans for peace and well-being and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.’” Jeremiah 29:11 (AMP)
My story is one of reconciliation and restoration — a true miracle. In 1969 I married a wonderful man who grew up in a family much like mine — pillars of the community, faithful church members, leaders and givers. It was a marriage made in heaven.
We moved to the High Country in 1972. My husband gave up his aspirations in politics and began a new career as a true “country lawyer.“ We were blessed with two beautiful daughters and a delightful new home on Dutch Creek Falls in Valle Crucis.
As an extrovert, I easily made friends and loved our new community, much like the small town in which I grew up. The Carolyn that I presented had two faces: the “social butterfly,” a spontaneous, fun loving party girl, and the “church lady.” These two personas masked a woman bound by the fear of rejection and abandonment.
Carolyn and her husband, Charlie Clement, have been married for 53 years!
My worst nightmare came to pass in 1987 when my marriage broke apart. I was devastated. How would I survive? I had always had a man to look after me. First my father and then my husband. After a long period of self-diagnosed manic depression, I threw myself into the arms of the Lord. During this time, my Abba Father, knowing all my needs as a “people person” arranged many divine appointments. I wish I could name each one of these saints, some of whom are in heaven now. They walked alongside me, loved me, comforted me and prayed with me for the healing and restoration of my marriage.
One divine appointment came when the Lord led me to a women’s conference sponsored by Christian Believers United. I wandered into a session and heard Dr. Fuschia Pickett for the first time. I was in awe! I had never heard of such revelation knowledge. When I returned home I was so hungry for the Word. I began to devour it. I wandered with the Israelites every step through the wilderness. My mantra during these early days was “Hope deferred makes the heart sick” (Proverbs 13:12 AMP.) After many months in the wilderness, I focused on the book of Ruth. I really identified with her loss and her choice to follow the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, and to leave behind all that she had known. Like Ruth finding Boaz, I realized Jesus was my Kinsman– Redeemer and He truly husbanded me. Through God‘s love, I realized that my fear of rejection and abandonment had caused me to put a mighty wall around my heart and not to trust anyone to come inside. I took my anger and bitterness toward my husband and gave God permission to perform heart surgery on me. I asked the Lord to show me my part in this mess of a broken marriage. I knew that as strongly as my husband loved his family, he would have never left if I had not somehow driven him away. What a revelation!
I have a very thankful heart for God‘s grace and mercy in arranging these precious appointments at such crucial points in my life. Another early one was a Christ-centered 12-step program. In this program, my journey toward finding wholeness in Christ Jesus got a jumpstart! I learned my deep need to forgive those who had wounded me and to make amends to those whom I had wronged. My list went on and on. I had not realized how many resentments I carried. Many went back to my early school years with teachers and classmates. I learned that time passed doesn’t heal anything. Many of these were forgotten trivialities, but they were still buried in my deep heart — weeds that were choking out the flowers which were trying to grow there. Of course, the deepest taproot was my anger, bitterness and unforgiveness toward my husband. During the confession every Sunday, I “forgave” my husband and set my bag of garbage down, and I went to the altar to receive communion. Then as I walked back to my seat, I would pick up my bag of garbage again and the bitterness and anger never went away. This went on for quite a while until I finally surrendered. One night in my bedroom, I cried out in desperation,”Lord I can’t do this! You’re going to have to show me how.” He put the scripture from Matthew 18:21-35 on my heart, which is the parable of the unforgiving servant. In the story, Peter asked Jesus how many times he should forgive his brother who sinned against him – seven times? Jesus answered 70×7, meaning each time again and again. He then tells a story of a man forgiven a huge debt by his king who immediately goes and finds another servant who owes him pennies and throws him in prison because he cannot pay. When the king learned of this, he was furious and threw the man in prison. Jesus concludes by saying “So my heavenly Father also will do to you if each of you, from his heart, does not forgive his brother his trespasses.”
My unforgiveness had my husband in prison and I was also there, bound by anger and bitterness. I had taken my bag of garbage to the altar each Sunday, set it down at the cross on which Jesus had died for me, yet I did not accept His free gift. I had picked up my bag and slung it over my shoulder one more time. This evening, the Lord led me to the window and, as I shut my eyes, I pictured my husband before me who was bound in a huge heavy chain with a gigantic padlock. In my hand was the key. I sensed in my heart that I was to put the key into the padlock and unlock the chains. When I did this I saw the chains drop off and I then asked the Lord, “what next?” Then, I sensed Him telling me to throw the key out the window and over the waterfall! When I did this, I experienced an amazing lightness and freedom. I could breathe more deeply and easily. I had totally forgiven my husband and we were both free! The peace of God flooded my heart and my mind from that moment forward.
Carolyn & Charlie’s pride and joy, their grandkids. From left to right; Haines, Tessa, Clement, & Anna Brooks
In 1990 I had the most impactful divine appointment of my life. Clay McLean, who refers to himself as a “wounded healer,” was in the area for a speaking engagement at a Banner Elk church. I saw him for a counseling session and he invited me to be on his ministry team. In retrospect that was so amusing, since I needed more healing than anyone! God has a sense of humor. I joined his team when his ministry, His Healing Presence, was just beginning, having been mentored by author and minister Leanne Payne. I learned that the three barriers to wholeness in Christ are the failure to forgive, the failure to receive forgiveness and the failure to come into self-acceptance. I thought that I had learned and broken through the first two barriers, but I had overlooked a huge mountain of unforgiveness — my parents!
At one ministry conference, God gave me the revelation that my parents wanted me, their first child, to be a boy. So right off the bat, though never verbalized, I was a disappointment. That went deep into my spirit —“it’s not okay to be who I am, I must try to become what others want me to be.” On another occasion, my father punished me for the first and only time in my life — he left the discipline to my mother. On this occasion, I had gone home with my best friend after school to play without permission. I was in first grade and my mom located me in one phone call in our small town. But after dinner that night, my daddy picked me up in his arms and told me he was taking me to my friend’s house to live with them! I can still remember the terror in my heart and holding onto the door frame screaming and wondering if my little white knuckles could hold on tightly enough. Of course, I was not given away, but the fear was implanted and pushed down deep into my heart. This was the ultimate fear of rejection and abandonment. Of course I rationalized this and blamed my mother since she was the one who ruled with an iron rod, better known as a switch from the chinaberry tree.
The Lord reminded me of the commandment “Honor your father and mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you” (Exodus 20:12 ESV). This commandment is immediately followed by “you shall not commit murder.” How many times in my heart had I wanted to “disappear” my mother? Probably every time my little legs were switched. I did serious business with the Lord on this one. I made a confession of the vow that I had made “I will never be like my mother“ and broke its power over me. Once I forgave Mother, I told everyone how she had changed. It was not my mother who had changed, but God had changed my heart of stone into a heart of flesh. My dear mom would die three years later, but I rejoice in the Lord that we had three glorious years together!
Carolyn’s love of flowers led to a business of making wedding dreams come true for many brides.
Everyone in my family knows how precious Daddy was and how beloved he was by everyone who knew him, especially his four daughters. Of course, I had shifted the blame for that early childhood punishment to Mother. This forgiveness came several years after my mom had died. I woke up in the middle of the night screaming, “I hate you, I hate you. Why did you do this to me?” I was more surprised than anyone that this was inside me, but God once again was rewriting my DNA, uprooting the weeds to make room for more flowers. No matter how much I adored my father and was thankful to God for him, I did still need to forgive him.
Remember that I had given God the rights to do heart surgery, to search me and know me and make me into the woman that He had created me to be. I say this journey is the process of being made into the image of Jesus. I knew I was born again but the sanctification process seemed like a very long labor. It takes a lifetime! The Holy Spirit began to reveal things to me through dreams and scriptures, through other people and sometimes through His still small voice.
These revelations helped me gain an understanding of the false self that I became while moving me toward acceptance of my real self. I like what Leanne Payne calls us, “becoming ones.”
God hates religion but loves and longs for a relationship. My false self was the result of the “good girl syndrome,“ which was acceptable as a young girl — look pretty, smile, don’t hit your sisters, don’t be angry, make good grades and behave. Later, add to this what your friends want you to be — party girl, rule breaker, sneak and daredevil. Then add on the expectations of husband and children, and you see why some people have mental breakdowns. I’m sure I would have been one of these had my denial system not been so strong . Again, another miracle from God.
The “church lady” persona was that religious whitewashed tomb, God’s label for the Pharisees. I knew that I was not a “good girl” but I had played the role so long, I even fooled myself.
In about 1993, I listened to a minister from Florida, Dr. Peter Lord, teach the scripture from Matthew 22:37–39; “you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind, and you shall love your neighbor as yourself.” After the teaching I prayed, “Oh Lord, I do want to love you and my neighbor. Please show me how.“ Then I distinctly heard the words “Your marriage is restored“. Now, this was about four or five more years before my husband and I renewed our marriage vows, but I held onto that word from the Lord in my heart. There were many times of wavering when I was ready to throw in the towel, but it was by God’s grace and provision that I held on. I am so very grateful to the Lord, and I bless my dear husband for choosing to forgive and love me. We both held hands and made that choice to come back together. It was a second chance that all are given but so few choose.
In our golden years now at ages 78 and 82, our love still grows deeper and deeper. Remember, when God restores something, it’s better than it was in the beginning!
