Present and Accounted For

How Social Media is Robbing Us of True Connection

By Amanda Opelt

False Perceptions and Social Media

I am a person who shoves clutter into closets and under the bed when I have guests coming over. It’s a metaphor for my whole life, really. I like the appearance of cleanliness, tidiness, and order without having to put in the effort to actually achieve it. I want people to like me, to think well of me. 

This kind of self-staging isn’t relegated to my hosting habits alone. The advent of the internet and social media has created a platform for us to carefully curate the presence and persona we want to project to the world. It allows me to shove all my personal clutter into a closet, as it were. I get to be who I want to be on social media. I get to manage, to a certain degree, your perceptions of me and my life.

More than that, it allows me to engage at arms-length with a myriad of different contacts and social circles. I get to “like,” comment, judge, dismiss or embrace my fellow humans for who I perceive them to be based on a flat and one-sided interaction with their online profile.

Deep down, I like this arrangement. It allows me to swipe away and turn the conversation off when it becomes difficult or offensive to my own biases. It allows me to make snide remarks about others without having to face the depth of the pain I may have caused. It allows me to pass judgement on those I disagree with without having to confront the complexity of human nature and relationships. It allows me to grant the privilege of my attention to those I prefer. I can weed people out of my social media life by blocking or de-friending them. It allows me to create an “echo chamber” (a term that’s been written about by many people smarter than me) – essentially a cohort of friends that mirror my own perspectives and affirm my opinions. 

A Lack of Quality Presence

Many people have criticized the widespread use of social media, blaming its popularity on the fact that we are starved for the affirmation—the “likes” and the retweets and the shares—that we receive on these platforms. But I think our addiction to social media goes deeper than our addiction to approval.

We lack the capacity for quality of presence in our lives, to do the work of bringing our whole selves to any given situation, conversation, or relationship. Social media allows us to maintain and foster human connection, but only at a level that feels safe, controlled, and manageable. It is no wonder that we struggle in our relationships with roommates, cube-mates, cousins and colleagues. In real life, you can’t swipe past people and the challenges they sometimes bring to our lives. 

I’ve lived in Boone for 8 years now. After a recent conflict with a friend, my husband and I discussed the possible source of our difficult encounter. What we decided was that it was as simple as prolonged proximity. My friend and I have been in relationship for many years. We’ve lived life and served in ministry alongside one another. Conflicts are a natural part of community life, and, when managed well, a sign of health. Hardship in friendship is a sign of authenticity, depth, and as Proverbs 27:17 puts it, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.”

Choose Presence

I often think of the life of Christ, how when He came on His rescue mission, He took on the form of a servant, a carpenter, and a rabbi. He lived in the skin of a son, a brother, a friend, and a teacher. He worked shoulder to shoulder to people, He walked side by side with people on the dusty roads of this world. He chose 30 plus years of quality, embodied presence with humans that was no doubt tumultuous and painful at times (after all, He was crucified in the end). He could have avoided all of that as God, could have remained safely in heaven, in the spiritual spheres, removed from the adversity of nose to nose human relationships. But He chose presence. Which is to say He chose love.

I believe that’s the kind of nose to nose presence we are called to live with one another. Social media can be a great tool to expose us to new ideas, maintain connection with family and friends far away, and store thoughts and images for our memories. But it does not replace true presence. We are called by Immanuel—the God who is with us—to be present with others.