Finding Purpose in the Pain

By Betsy Bolick

Betsy with twin sister Brittany.

“For you formed my inward parts; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.” Psalm 139:13-16

As I reflect on this passage I am so thankful for the Creator God. He saw my sister’s unformed substance, and mine. He knit us together in our mother’s womb with precise detail and loving attention. He does not make mistakes. He intricately wove us together for His glory. He wrote the days of our lives in His book for His Kingdom work and our good. The story that He has written in our lives have often led us on different paths. She was the athlete and I was blessed with sacral agenesis. Two very different stories that created a beautiful picture only a Creator God could make. I am so humbled and grateful I get to take part in this beautiful story. Thank you Jesus for choosing me.

Beauty From Ashes

Our story began on June 11,1987. It was a typical summer day in Boone. My parents and older siblings, Ben and Blair, were anxiously awaiting our arrival. We only had three more weeks until our due date. Yet, we did something Bolicks never do; we arrived early. I am sure Brittany was already driving me crazy and I needed some space (just kidding Brit). Later that evening Brittany arrived first; weighing in around five pounds. She was the typical perfect healthy baby that every parent prays for. As usual, I made a grand entrance fifteen minutes later. I was born breech and was much smaller. I weighed around three pounds, but unlike Brittany, I was not the picture of perfection. Upon further review by the pediatrician, my parents’ worst fears became reality. My legs were bent and twisted together. They were unable to straighten them or separate them from each other. My left foot was a rocker bottom and my right was a clubfoot. As if that wasn’t enough, I began to vomit blood. Doctors and nurses decided the best option was to send me to Winston-Salem for further observation at Baptist Hospital. My sweet mama had to stay behind while my dad followed me to Baptist. My parents were in sheer panic, unsure of my fate. They pleaded with the Lord to “save and protect me,” yet they trusted in their Sovereign Savior. At Baptist they discovered that I had developed a stress ulcer, most likely due to the difficulty I had experienced in utero. Doctors were unsure I would survive, and if I did survive, would I ever walk? Specialists were brought in for diagnosis, and much to my parents relief, they were told that I would survive and most likely walk. I was diagnosed with sacral agenesis (Caudal Regression Syndrome). Sacral agenesis is a congenital disorder in which there is abnormal fetal development of the lower spine—the caudal partition of the spine. It occurs at a rate of approximately one per 25,000 live births. I was 1 out of 25,000. Doctors explained to my parents that Brittany had received more nutrients in utero than I did. Because of that, I am missing three parts of my lower spine, my bladder does not function normally, my feet are paralyzed, and I have no calf muscles. 

“It’s impossible to be bitter at the biggest blessings in my life.”

It is always easy to focus on the things we do not have, isn’t it? To dwell on what could have been? To sit and wonder “If only…” Yet, I pray as you read this story you will not dwell on my missing calf muscles or my broken body. Instead, you will see the many undeserved blessings God has given me. You will rejoice over the beauty that is found in brokenness and the hope that only Christ can bring in the midst of hopelessness. You will see He is a great Author writing a great story. You will see the joy found in the journey, and the purpose found in the pain. Elisabeth Elliot once said, “God’s story never ends in ashes.” I am so grateful for that truth. He truly does bring beauty from ashes. He truly blesses His children with good gifts, even those we would never deem good. For me, sacral agenesis never seemed good. As I look back on the last 28 years of my life, I can truly see the good God has done in and through it. I have discovered that with every journey there is real joy, you just have to find it. Where Jesus is, there is joy and hope. No matter the circumstances, they are good because He is good. I would never change the diagnosis given to me at birth. I would never trade it, because it has shaped my life and the lives of the Bolick family. Oh, what a precious family He has given me! I could weep as I dwell on each one of them and the blessing they represent in my life. 

Betsy with her parents and siblings.

Our family bond is strong, so very strong. They are my most favorite people in the world. I truly believe apart from the brokenness and the difficult diagnosis of sacral agenesis, our bond would not be the same. We have a unique divine closeness birthed out of brokenness. Jesus has the most beautiful way of sealing hearts together in the most painful of circumstances. He has done that for my family. My parents never allowed the breaking of my disability to break us or to break me. They never told me “I couldn’t” because of my disability. They taught me to ask “What do you want to do with this God?” Even when they struggled and questioned, “why,” they never let me see that. Instead they allowed the Holy Spirit to work through them to shape us. He has protected my heart from bitterness towards my siblings. I never desired for them to have my diagnosis or walk the road set out for me. Instead, I wanted to follow in their footsteps. I wanted to be just like them. They, along with my parents, are my heroes. My best friends. My protectors and my warriors. They have loved me with a fierce, protective, Godly love. Ben has taught me God’s word and shown me how to cling to that truth at all times. Blair has believed in God’s plan for me even when I have wanted to quit on it. She has an unshakable faith that spurs me on. Brittany has a tender servant’s heart that humbles me and shows me Jesus daily. God knew, oh how He knew, I needed my family. As I have traveled and shared my story people often ask “Were you bitter that you were the twin with the disability?” It is crazy to imagine that out of 25,000 people God allowed me to walk this journey, One out of two in my mother’s womb and God chose me to journey with sacral agenesis. Am I bitter? That is a great question, and the answer is always, “No.” It’s impossible to be bitter at the biggest blessings in my life.

Living Life with Siblings

During my first two years of life I was unable to walk. My mom said that I would cry because I could never reach the toy I wanted. I would scoot on the floor desperate to reach it, yet never close enough to get there. Brittany would see my struggle and immediately drop what she was doing to bring me the toy I desperately wanted. Even if it was the one she was playing with. My mom doesn’t remember her ever keeping something from me that I wanted. If I took her toys from her she would never cry or complain. She selflessly loved me and served me often at the expense of her own desires. At the young age of two the Lord gave her the gift to see my frustration. She has shown me the picture of Jesus from the very beginning and has never stopped; even when I wanted to rail at her in my pain. Our parents would come to our nursery and find us holding hands in the crib. That lasted for many years. Even though we shared different rooms as we got older, I often would become scared in the middle of the night. Brittany would come sleep with me. She always acted tough as she grabbed Ben’s metal baseball bat. She promised she would protect me. Yet, as we laid there I would feel her hand snake under the pillow to grab mine. I knew she would protect me. Just as I knew Ben and Blair would as well. They were always watching out for me, loving me, and making me feel like any “normal girl”. Because to them I was normal. I was their sister and their best friend. I shared their DNA, their eyes, and their heart. 

I may not have looked like Brittany in every way. She was always several inches taller than me. Many would peg us as sisters, but due to height, never twins. However, my mom said we acted “more identical than fraternal.” Even when we were separate in classrooms we picked the same colors and said the same things. We were are so similar, yet at the same time, so different. Ben and Blair still laugh hysterically when we try to mimic the characters and the language Brittany and I made up as children. As we got older, I would beg her to play Barbies with me, and she would beg me to kick the soccer ball with her. We discovered that the best option was to split our time. She would dress up my Barbie and drive her around in the pink Jeep, if I would lose miserably at a game of Horse. Oh, how I would lose! Blair would always rescue me to play dress up. Ben would take Brittany and show her how to correctly shoot a jump shot. We had the best time together, the four of us. We laughed, joked, fought and loved each other. Those were such precious moments for me in the midst of some difficult days. Over the years I have endured surgeries and hospital visits. I saw many people look twice when I walked by. I heard snickers and saw pointed fingers through eyes filled with tears. I sat on the sidelines while Ben played football, Blair cheered, and Brittany played basketball or soccer. I spent a few nights in a hospital bed with my amazing mother by my side. I would always get so excited when Dad would sweetly bring my favorite meal while I chatted with my siblings over the phone. They would tell me all about what they were doing and ask how I was feeling. I was never bitter at the games they played or the life they lived. I just wanted to live it with them.

Betsy with her brother and sisters.

My middle school years were not the best. I always say, “Satan gets his mail in hell, but he lives in middle school.” I mean, I only had one eyebrow that went straight across, one front tooth, a rolling backpack, and a terrible knack for fashion. Blair tried to help me, but I was too prideful. She loved me a lot and was quite patient with me; she still is. I felt I had nothing going for me. Brittany was the athlete, Blair was the cheerleader, Ben was the football player, and then there was me. The Lord rescued me from 12 years in diapers, yet I wanted to be normal. I did not want the story God was writing for me. I knew I would never be able to play basketball or kick a soccer ball more than two inches, so I chose something else I loved, cheerleading. I wanted to follow in Blair’s footsteps. Those are big shoes to fill! I loved my time as a cheerleader following in the steps she laid out for me. I loved cheering Brittany on at every basketball game. I beamed with pride when people commented about her talents. Yet, I sometimes wanted to be the player she passed the ball to. I wanted the ability to play alongside her. I remember lying on my floor and reading Jeremiah 29:11 late one night my senior year, “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” I surrendered to the plan God had for me. I finally let go of wanting to be in the game. I surrendered the desire to do something else with my time on earth and surrendered myself to my Savior. He deserved all of me and I wanted His plan for me.

Roles Reversed

Later that year, Brittany signed her letter of intent to play soccer at Charleston Southern University and I enrolled at Liberty University. We were no longer going to be a couple of steps away from each other’s rooms and lives, we were now a couple of states away. I had no clue how hard it would be. We missed our friends and family terribly. We missed each other. We missed Blair and Ben. We missed our parents. We missed sleepovers at our best friend Ashley’s house. We missed home. In spite of being homesick God knew that was where we needed to be. It was here that God began to weave our stories together even more than before. Brittany excelled in soccer and I changed my major way too many times. I will never forget giving a speech in my Psychology class and my professor saying, “Betsy, you are in the wrong major. You belong in ministry.” That was such a wake up call for me. I knew the Lord had called me to full time ministry but I had been running in the other direction. I was afraid. After I changed my major, a friend asked if I would share my story with her small group. I remember calling my family, full of joy as I expressed how powerful it was to see God use my brokenness for His glory. I told them it was what I was made to do! It was healing for me to see my pain used for a purpose. Not long after, I was sitting in a parking lot at work and Brittany called me. She was the captain of her soccer team and she felt like they were in a place where they took everything for granted. Whether it was running, working out, or playing the game. Her coach had asked her in a meeting, “What drives you?” Brittany saw playing as a gift. She was driven to play for the glory of God and also for her sister. Her twin sister that could never kick the soccer ball because she did not have calf muscles. Her twin sister that was unable to run sprints due to a dysfunctional bladder. She asked if I would come and share my story. If I would remind these girls of the gift they had been given. I had no clue the journey God would begin the day I traveled to share His hope with those precious female athletes. I had no clue the freedom that it would bring and the process of healing it would start for both of us. I sat in the locker room full of college girls from all different backgrounds and wept as I shared the story God had written in our lives. I wept as I shared with them my desire to run 90 minutes without a bladder spasm, or to kick the ball and feel the connection it makes with your foot. I also shared the hope Christ has shown me in my brokenness and the dreams He has placed in my heart through my pain. He did not want me on the field using those gifts for His glory. He wanted me on the sidelines preaching His goodness to girls that needed to hear it! I looked over and I saw Brittany cheering me on with a smile on her face and tears in her eyes. Our roles had reversed. There she sat cheering me on in the game of life God planned and purposed for me. My heart was full, and I was so humbled! After that moment in the locker room, I received calls from the Charleston Southern University volleyball coach and FCA director, who eventually became the Campus Minister, asking me to come and share with their athletes. I was able to share with a local church there as well. It would be just the beginning of our journey to fully understanding why God blessed us; she, as the athlete, and me, the voice. We are still on that journey and I pray it never ends.

“We all have a course, a ministry, that God has given us to testify to His gospel and His grace”

As the years passed, I began to understand Brittany’s answer to her coach’s question more deeply. I have asked her honestly what she meant when she said she “felt the need to succeed for both of us.” For so long Brittany struggled with “survivor’s guilt.” She had to be the best in life because she felt she had stolen mine. The only way to make up for it was to score more goals, make the best grades, and be successful. She couldn’t fail me. She had already failed me in the womb. Her talent meant my trouble. Her joy meant my sorrow. Her ability meant my disability. No, that’s all wrong. That is how the enemy of our souls wants us to see it. He wanted me to believe that I got the short end of the stick. That I should have been like my siblings. I should have been like my womb mate. That God robbed me of the life I was supposed to have. I should have been a collegiate athlete alongside her. He wanted Brittany to live in guilt. He wanted her to blame herself and feel the weight of imperfection and failure. I asked her when she finally began to see the truth that God wanted to reveal in the midst of the lies she believed for so long. When was it that she finally started to see that she could live her life in freedom and not shame? She sweetly said, “When you shared your story with my team. I felt God showed me that He was using your story and He could use my story. I felt the weight of guilt and pressure begin to lift.” God in His great mercy gave her the ability to leverage Her gifts on the field for the glory of God. God in His great mercy used my disability to leverage the gift of sacral agenesis for the glory of God. It is all for His glory!

Betsy and her twin sister Brittany.

Adventure in Ministry

A few years later, she had graduated and God led her to coach the girls’ soccer team at Watauga High School. During those years I felt the Lord calling me to an adventure in ministry with Him. I was unsure what that adventure entailed, yet, I felt He was asking me to hold on for the ride. As I was sitting in our living room talking to Blair, my phone rang. It was the Campus Minister at Charleston Southern University, the same man Brittany had introduced me to all those years ago. I remember looking over at Blair and saying, “I wonder if he is calling about a job?” As I listened to his voicemail he said, “Hey Betsy, its Jon. I am calling about a job.” Several weeks later I accepted the job as the Director of Women’s Ministry at Charleston Southern University. The exact school that Brittany attended and played soccer at. The place that I shared my story so many times. The place we shared our story together for the first time. The place that Brittany began to walk in freedom. Where she began to discover the life God gave her was good and was meant for His glory, not for her shame or guilt. God used her ability and my disability for His glory and His mission. He brought her through those years on the field for many reasons, but one of those was to help lead me to a place where He could prepare me for His plan for my life. I am in awe of His plan and how He weaves our lives. Most recently she accepted a full time position as the Women’s Soccer Assistant Coach at Appalachian State, and I left Charleston Southern University to chase my dreams at Southeastern Seminary. No matter the journey, no matter the circumstances, and no matter the pain, there is purpose and there is joy. We just have to seek Him to find it. When we find Him we desire nothing else than to live solely in His presence. Because in His presence is fullness of joy. He uses the difficult diagnosis, the shame from misplaced guilt, and the broken dreams for His glory and our good. My prayer for myself, my sweet family, and for you is to live out Acts 20:24: “But I do not account my life of any value nor as precious to myself, if only I may finish my course and the ministry that I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God.” We all have a course, a ministry that God has given us to testify to His gospel and His grace. I may not be the athlete, but that’s okay. I wouldn’t trade my story, and Brittany would never trade hers. The course God has given us was created just for us. It may not have been the course we would have chosen at the very beginning when He knit us together in our mother’s womb, but now, looking back, we would never choose differently. For in our brokenness we have seen that only He can make us whole. In our struggles we have seen Him as healer and comforter. In our hurts and sorrow we have seen that His presence is enough. He is a good author. His plans are perfect. He is faithful. His story is beautiful. His journey is joyful. His grace is great. He knit us together for two very different courses with one very beautiful goal; to testify to the gospel of the grace of God. May we always be a megaphone of His grace.

To learn more about Betsy’s journey of seeing God’s goodness, mercy, and purpose through the painful circumstances of life, visit Small Enough Ministries at https://www.besmallenough.org/ .

This article was originally written for the Winter 2015 Edition of The Journey magazine.