The Beauty in Suffering
Pursuing Peace. During years of health struggles resulting in a cancer diagnosis, missionary Jenny Hoffman learned how to fully turn to Jesus as her place of peace, comfort, and hope.
One missionary’s journey with cancer deepens her hope and trust in Christ
By Jenny Hoffman
No one ever wants to hear the words “you have cancer.”
I heard them in January of this year, and it changed my life forever. Through my suffering, God has been doing the tough work of changing my heart. This is my story of how God continues to use my health challenges to deepen my affection for him.
Moldova
I committed my life to Jesus as an 11-year-old, both scared of the so-called age of accountability and intrigued by the faith of my family. I still remember walking the aisle of my home church while “Trust and Obey” was sung in chorus. What I had at that young age was an understanding that I needed to verbalize that I believed in God to be given the prize of heaven. I did not understand the gospel and could not recognize myself as a sinner, in need of grace.
I truly met Jesus for the first time in college through my involvement in a campus ministry, where I saw that God was bigger than the walls of a church building. My love for His word grew, and I committed to living my life for Him. It was in that campus ministry that I met my husband, Zachary. Together, we shared a desire and willingness to serve as missionaries. After spending several years learning Russian and studying missions, we were finally ready to move to Moldova. In 2015, we packed our belongings, shipped them overseas along with our orange Honda Element, and loaded a plane with our three-month-old son in tow.
When we arrived, Zachary and I both got sick right away. We weren’t surprised because Moldova is a developing country, and there is always an expected adjustment to the food and the climate. Zachary’s sicknesses came and went, but mine never left. In fact, I had an ailment about 75 percent of the time. Everything from stomach bugs, joint pain, to pneumonia and bronchitis. We changed our diets, used only bottled water, cleaned our fruits and veggies, but nevertheless the illnesses remained. During one particular incident, we were serving at a church camp and I came down with a fever of 105, so we rushed to the hospital. That night was one of the most terrifying nights of my life. I was given random medicines, poked and prodded by people speaking to me in Romanian, while I only kind of sort of knew Russian. I was so sick that I thought I would die there that night.
A few months later, we came back to the states for a few weeks. While we were home, my health returned. But when we flew back to Moldova, I just wept. Nothing within me wanted to go back to the place that made me ill. I had spent most of my days there trapped in a high rise apartment with a baby, tied to the bathroom and longing for an escape. I felt that going back there was pointless, that I was invaluable to any mission.
This Side of Heaven. Jenny Hoffman says she knows she may never get answers while still on earth for why she went through this difficult time, but she’s gotten glimpses through the peace and comfort she experiences through Christ every step of the way.
But in time, God really started giving us life in Moldova. We met the most amazing people, we were fiercely loved, and the community God gave us became one of the most precious gifts we have ever received. I continued to get sick. I began to realize that even though my circumstances remained the same, that God was in the business of changing my heart. He brought me from a position of hating Moldova to a place of devotion. I saw good in my suffering and saw that life and beauty could happen regardless of how in control I felt of my body. God ultimately led us back to America through much prayer and supplication and with a surprise baby girl growing in my belly.
Life Changing News
Those who know me are familiar with how I like to refer to myself as a “recovering hypochondriac.” Even as a young child, I remember being terrified of getting sick. I was fearful of catching cancer from others and even afraid of going to the doctor. Just ask my husband the depth of my anxiety over health. It reached the level of sleepless nights and irrational fears.
After we moved back home, I did start feeling better. I was relieved that the illnesses were behind me, and I was ready to get on with life. We welcomed a beautiful baby girl into our family, became involved in a brand new church plant, and then low and behold, I started getting sick again. I was having difficulties regulating my thyroid hormones, which was not really new to me. I was on such a strange medicine regimen that I eventually went to another doctor at the recommendation of a friend. The day I went to the new doctor, she felt a growth on my thyroid. She said that it was probably nothing because these nodules were very common, but recommended I have a scan.
When I read the scan, my heart sank. Calcifications, mass, hypervascular. Even in my limited medical knowledge, I knew that those were all characteristics of a cancerous tumor. I had a biopsy, and the surgeon told me I only had about a five percent chance of cancer, so we walked out hopeful. The results came back a week later “suspicious for cancer.” I wasn’t convinced it was accurate, so I requested a genetic biopsy. It came back at 99 percent chance of malignancy.
So surgery was scheduled. I had another scan, which showed that the cancer had spread to my lymph nodes and would cause me to have the entire thyroid removed and a central neck dissection to remove lymph nodes.
We had people all over the world praying that the growth was not cancer. I even had well-meaning friends and family tell me they felt God telling them that it was not cancer.
But it was cancer.
Surrendering to Christ
We prayed that I would only have part of the thyroid removed. And yet, I had to have all of the thyroid removed.
We prayed that the cancer was contained to my thyroid. But, it had spread to the lymph nodes.
I felt very defeated. Every single prayer we prayed and believed God could and would answer, He simply said “no.” He shut the door on miraculous healing. He was very clearly leading me down a specific path. It was at this point where I realized that I was holding onto the hope of the medical system and words and advice of friends and family more than I was relying on God. I could not claim to be trusting God and simultaneously be trying to fix everything myself. My fear was separating me from the work God was doing in my life.
I got down on my hands and knees on my bedroom floor and cried out to the Lord to be with me. To help me trust Him. To give me peace. And friends, He answered like never before. From that moment of total surrender, complete loss of self-control, Jesus met me in my despair, my weakness, my sin, my inadequacy and He said, “You can’t, but I CAN.” He reminded me that because of his sacrifice, I already have victory over cancer and death.
Cancer and sickness do not have dominion over me, Christ does. Cancer does not define me. Jesus does. I prayed the verses of Psalm 3: 3-4 repeatedly from the moment of my utter abandon to the day I was being wheeled into surgery.
“But you, O Lord, are a shield about me,
my glory, and the lifter of my head.
I cried aloud to the Lord,
and he answered me from his holy hill.”
Radiating God’s Goodness. Jenny Hoffman poses for her first photo post-surgery. Many friends all said they could see an angelic glow about her afterward.
Jesus carried me to the operating room, He was there when I awoke, and friends told me my face was radiating God’s goodness. He was there when the surgeon told me it was one of the best surgeries he had ever done. He was there when they told me I didn’t need any additional treatment. He has been carrying me along with such grace, with gentle reminders that He loves me and cares for me. He is here with me even now, as I try to figure out how to adjust to life without a pretty important organ and while I have tests monitoring for cancer’s return.
“Suffering allows us to see our own inadequacy and that we must rely fully on a more than capable God who is worthy to be trusted.”
The Purpose of Suffering
Why has God chosen to allow sickness to claim so many years of my life? I will likely never know the full answer on this side of heaven. But I am getting glimpses of it. “We know that God works all things for the good of those who love him” (Romans 8:28), and I have seen nothing but good on this cancer journey. Sure I have some really difficult days and the future looks uncertain at times, but God’s presence is palpable in our lives. He has been answering prayers like never before, and we are surrounded with a community of believers that love and serve us with the hands of Jesus. He has broken down my walls of fear and pride, and in grace, has shown me that He is for me.
There is much beauty in suffering. We feel as though we are in step with the heartbeat of God.
Suffering shapes you into the character of Christ. Suffering allows us to see our own inadequacy and that we must rely fully on a more than capable God who is worthy to be trusted.
Paul writes in 2 Corinthians 1:4 that God “comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.”
Despite the challenge of dealing with cancer, I have been comforted. I have had peace. I have felt God beside me every step of the way. Since walking through these hurdles, a whole new world of ministry has opened up to me. I have felt in step with the Spirit, as he teaches me to encourage those who are suffering. I have a voice of hope to those that are suffering, a voice that understands and can point people to true source of joy despite our circumstances.
This is something that I will forever be grateful for.
This article was originally written for the Summer 2019 Edition of The Journey magazine.
A Reminder in Trust. When Jenny Hoffman was diagnosed with thyroid cancer which required the whole organ to be removed along with some infected lymph nodes in her neck, she clung to Romans 8:28, trusting that God uses all things for good.